tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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