WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
