If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
