he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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