pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
