she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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