I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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