I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
