I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize