Someone shit on the floor
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
