you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
