dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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