I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
