i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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