Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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