So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
