The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
