Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
as a side note pls kill me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
