Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love you.
Bad choice
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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