I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
