im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
