I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
