wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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