My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
