Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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