Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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