The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
