Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
