don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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