I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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