I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So squirting runs in the family.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
