Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
