what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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