i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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