i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
