The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
