If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
