Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
