My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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