TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
