Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My ATM looks so different sober.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Text me some of your sweat
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
