When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
