Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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