you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
