I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize