I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
