Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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