connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
