umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are we still banned from the library?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
