I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She bit a glass in half.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
