I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize