thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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