Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
