my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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