Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
