I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
