hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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