I got her a Nickelback box set.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
