I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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