I want to walk on stilts...naked
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
