Swine flu. Run for my life!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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