You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
