I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
