turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
