if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
