Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
