why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My vagina is officially offended.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
