make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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